Unfathomable Love

I happen to be a person who’s not great at small talk and often engage in deep conversations on heavy topics (outside of politics which don’t interest me). On several occasions over the years, in discussions about faith and God (always with people who happen to be much more intellectually endowed), I’ve been challenged with an idea that, though it never resonated as an issue for me, I’ve never had a response for.

“I can’t believe in a God who lets children starve or be abused,” is the most common. “How can I love a God that let’s people suffer?” “It’s not ok with me that God would cut short a beautiful life at 15” (one that’s more personally directed). “Who wants to love a God that needed to kill his only son – brutally on a cross no less – as a payback.”

I make a point to keep this space inviting to everyone, no matter their religion or complete lack thereof, so I’m not going to touch the last one here. (Feel free to engage me in that discussion over a beer.) But over the past year, I’ve developed some perspective on the general overall issue in those questions, and think I might even have come up with the beginnings of a reply.

Regarding the life cut short at 15, my own precious Adam’s life… In my book, Not to Spoil the Ending, I did flip that curse to a blessing by contrasting his death with an earlier near death situation he’d experienced. It was a blessing of an insight I gained one day as I was writing at the beach house, a powerful epiphany that offered healing. If you haven’t read it you should. But recently, I’ve been thinking about it even more deeply. So, what about this?

Could it be that a Loving Universe, or God, has a broader perspective, and that Adam’s lifespan was actually perfect for him? And, if we (probably most importantly me) can see a black and white cursed situation with a bit more complexity and wisdom, is it possible that the juxtaposition of his short life with mine as his mom, while the source of my greatest suffering, was somehow also my greatest blessing? You might wonder how I could ever say that, but when you read my blog, or meet me in person, do you ever doubt my joy? Well, it’s all connected. 

Here’s a happier scenario to consider. This summer I was cleaning dishes in the cottage at the beach one morning enjoying my coffee and the quiet, when my neighbor and dear friend, Eleanor came to the back door. “Naomi? Oh, hi. I hope it’s not too early. I wanted to bring this to you. I know you like candy. It’s from last year, I think, but it’s all wrapped so it should be fine.” If the stale gummy bears and blow pops were not enough of a gift to someone who leaves open (hidden) bags of gummy cola bottles in the fridge so they get hard, the conversation we continued over coffee was perspective – no – life-changing. We were talking about butterflies (another story that won’t make today’s blog, but you should ask me over that beer).

It happened to be the week of Adam’s birthday, mid-August, and when we finished the first part of the butterfly conversation she asked me how I was doing. “It’s nice, Eleanor. Butterflies also happen to be my thing for Adam, and I asked him for them and just keep seeing them everywhere. Every time I see one it makes me so happy, and I feel like each one is the gift of his presence for me on his birthday. … Of course, it also just so happens that his birthday is in the middle of butterfly migration season…”

“But… maybe it really doesn’t ‘just so happen’ at all…” And suddenly I saw it differently, realizing that God (or a loving Universe) is way more powerful than I can perhaps even fathom, and, loving me so very deeply, arranged all of the pieces – the evolution of the butterfly species and it’s migration patterns within the eastern US climate, lovely summer sun, Adam’s birth in the middle of it, the connection of his spirit with butterflies… and my own evolution (notice the reverse of first 4 letters) of appreciation, right then and there in that moment, facilitated by my dear friend toting a birthday party goody bag filled with perfectly stale tasty treats.

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Read previous Finding Adamsworld posts.